I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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