you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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