First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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