In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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