my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize