You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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