i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
