I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
