note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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