No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
