Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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