If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
