Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I've blown a few things in my day
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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