This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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