I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
