ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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