I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
