i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize