I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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