I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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