Just cropdusted the office
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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