no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
