dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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