the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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