I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
