Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
