Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
