why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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