your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
