Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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