She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
