I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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