Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize