My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
