Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
