The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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