it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
