I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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