pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
