just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
