i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
