I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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