I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
