I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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