my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
