why didn't you poke me back
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
