before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
