I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
