He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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