is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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