I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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