I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
