I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
