I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
