i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
