They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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