i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
