Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
