I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
