I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize