I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
