I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
a search helicopter?!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
