i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
